Monday, December 05, 2016

Epiphanizing to Grieg's A minor piano concerto

Women have babies, men get to have epiphanies, we all get to have opinions.  Having experienced Republican anger since the advent of our second Irish president, O'bama and now seeing it from opponents of Trump, I realized it's not so much ideology that makes a sorehead but location on the losing side. I thought it must require a particularly inspiring candidate to arouse such emotion. That felt like a minor epiphany but the real one came as I looked at an issue of Saturday Evening Post featuring a Rockwell of  husband berating wife because her man Truman had beaten his Dewey.

Apparently this is a regular part of the democratic process. Not only regular but one of the key elements to its survival and the most exquisite protection for the government. Instead of directing our feelings toward the elected villain, who lives beyond our reach, we take it out on each other. All the indignation stays right here at ground level circulating amongst the rabble while the elected look upon the beauty of it, as an institution untouchable, realizing we'll blame each other for the wrongs they commit.  Separated into opposing teams and dehumanized into categories of liberal and conservative, right and left, better yet blue and red granting a geographical affiliation, our fellow voters who merely have exercised their democratic obligation, present an easy target for half a nation's anger at having to submit to their will.

Laboring under the delusion that we choose our rulers and the whopper that they are in place to serve us, we are thus prepared to war, killing not the instigators but their innocent chattel, the inhuman Japs, Krauts, Gooks and Towel Heads- people like us whom we perceive  possessed of a different outlook. Now that's synergy.

Monday, November 28, 2016

more trouble in paradise

As part of my ongoing series on “how weird it's getting out there,” this past weekend I was selling my books at yet another art show. At a refreshment tent a volunteer, once again a normal looking white guy in his thirties or forties, with whom I exchange greetings once a year looks at me and says, “there's something I have to ask you.”
Alarmed, I say, “Well, what?”
He looks askance at other customers and says softly, “wait 'til there's nobody around. Just hang on a minute.”
This leaves me lingering long after I had assumed refreshment would be mine. He looks at me apologetically as new people arrived. Finally I give up hope for my original purpose and say, “Come on. Let's just go over there.” He agrees.
“We've spoken before and you strike me as an intelligent guy,” he says with angst on his face. 'I want your opinion on something.”
Then I knew what it was. Here we go again. “I think I know what this is about,” I say. “The election.”
“Yes,” he said, relieved I had been the one to say it. “What do you make of it?”

The guy is loathe to speak of the election in front of other Americans. And judging by his tone, he fears the dissolution of his country. I gave him my now honed stump speech, including how candidate choice is no greater indicator of peoples' character than their favorite football team and actually holds equal significance. “If a player on your favorite team rapes somebody,” I elaborated, “you don't change teams, do you?” This was by way of helping him leap the fissure growing between the losers and the winners, to reassure him that half of America is not validating the asinine behavior of Donald Trump. They just had a different take on the event; that there is no need of a new bigotry where Clinton voters and abstainers look down on Trump voters. But how easily we appear to slide into bigotry in whatever form it may take.  And how we enjoy it.

The people who aren't upset? The Trumpets. They're feeling alright for now, content to leave detractors twisting in the wind on the moral high ground.


Sunday, November 13, 2016

truth and consequences


Yesterday I sold my novel Paradise Interrupted to a perfectly normal seeming man for his wife at an art & craft show. He returned a half hour later all overwrought.

“We have to talk,” he said, motioning to meet him around behind my canopy.

My only thought was that somehow what I wrote in his book had offended him or his wife.

“Whatever you say stays here,” he assured me. “Nobody else will know.”

“Okay, shoot,” I say.

“I'm sorry but there's something I have to know,” he says. “I have an obsession. I can't stand to give money to anybody who supports Trump. I have to know who you voted for.”

I was glad to hear this was all it was. I told him he had an unhealthy obsession and he'd better get ahold of himself.

“I know, he says,” almost in agony, “but please tell me.” He cupped his hands in supplication.

I told him its not this important, it's just like having a favorite football team. You root for the team and some perfectly wonderful people will be rooting for the other side.

“Please, just tell me,” he said, “Nobody else will know. Please.”

At this point I figured I should give the guy what he needs so I said, “I'm a flaming liberal,” which he took to mean I had not supported Trump. He was as relieved as if I had just saved his little girl from drowning, repeatedly shaking my hand.

This is the effect on just one man of Tuesday's vote. Spread it across the country and you've got some problems. How many people are now crippled in their ability to shop? To even think straight.

On Tuesday a sea change took place in this country and selling my books as I do at weekend festivals, I am positioned to observe an illuminating effect: to wit, the distinct political halves of the population just swapped sides like a reciprocal wildebeest migration.
 
Since Obama took office I have been beset by the occasional Republican who feigns interest in a book, then grills me on my slant. When I say I like the man, they slam down the book and stomp off saying they can't do business with me, thereby thinking I have been roundly punished. I wondered at their motivation and it took Trump getting elected to reveal it.
That won't be happening for awhile because it's the Democrats' turn to do it. This weekend for the first time ever, Democrats held my affiliation hostage to a book purchase and Republicans were content knowing the White House soon will live up to its name. Turns out it's no more than anger at being on the losing side. To manifest itself to the point of punishment, I conclude, requires true loathing for the winner. For Democrats it requires a despicable lout such as Trump and Republicans simply needed a half-Negro man superior in every way to any candidate they have put forth in the modern era.

One could conclude it was this slight that fueled the result we see now, and it would be not restricted to the voters but must include people of influence over them. I suspect the useless- information-overload-to-the-brain society we occupy today has bred a nation of loony tunes, it's just that simple. It's a sea to shining sea nuthouse and the pecans are in charge.








Thursday, November 10, 2016

the solution

In 2000 thirty thousand votes errantly cast on the infamous butterfly ballot for Pat Buchanan but clearly intended for Gore, went unchallenged even though Buchanan himself disavowed the votes.  Without those votes, Gore still had Florida but the U.S. Supreme court stepped in and took the office away from a perfectly fine candidate who had won both the popular vote and the electoral college vote and handed it to Bush, resulting in the Middle East horrors that have ensued ever since. 

Here's what needs to happen now.  The Electoral College does the job for which it is intended (correcting elections that go egregiously wrong) and extracts the winner who is a man barely fit for society let alone the presidency and gives the election to Hillary Clinton who. by the way, won the popular vote.

As they say, turnabout is fair play.  And we walk out of this cloud back into the light of day.  As for protest, why would anybody who claims the government is letting him down be sorry to see a giant fascist turd deprived of the chance to far more deeply let him down?

L.I.F.E.

Concerning the recent dumping of all sexual deviants into one bucket called LBJHFQTGIFRIDAY or whatever it is, I think "queers" was less insulting.  In fact, I wonder at the need for a label at all unless it's just to homogenize all who bear it into one identifiable blob, easily dismissed as composed of identical parts.  Although it will be handy for the arm bands they soon may be required to wear.  

Wednesday, November 09, 2016

underwhere

Nobody underestimated Donald Trump.  They underestimated the power of stupid.

Monday, October 31, 2016

priorities

Cheney, Rumsfeld, Bush, Rice, Powell who lied the U.S into attacking Iraq and the resulting ongoing horror, these war criminals are still walking around free as the clap.  Not to mention Karl Rove who fingered a U.S. undercover agent because her husband criticized the administration.  Where's his treason conviction?


Da heck widdat. Fust things fust. Let's look at Hillary's e-mails. Got to be sumptin dere. We got nuttin better to do nohow. Ain't really no dangers to save de crunchy fum. Dat jest de propogander fo de masses.. Or as Mister Trump would say, "to de misses."

I was selling my books at an art & craft show this weekend where they staged a little Trump parade.  I yelled to the banner bearers the obvious question.  "Why?  Convince me."  One responded, "Common sense."
I yelled "That's just two words.  It's not an answer."
After consulting with her handlers, the middle aged sex object strode over to me and said, "Three letters.  FBI."

Now I know who the Trump supporters are:  Other people who don't speak in sentences.  Their Messiah has arrived.

Thursday, October 27, 2016

democracy today

In trying to give credit where credit is doo,  I have seen anti-Patrick Murphy ads so astoundingly stupid that it would take a genius to think them up and then recognize that such blatant kangaroo shit can influence voting.   If they are right, that means there are more blockheads watching tv who are manipulated by these ads than thinking voters who would be repelled by them.  So this democracy is no longer tyranny by the majority but tyranny by people beyond their Peter Principle in the voting booth. Now that's boring.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Make America Vote Again

 Regarding the presedential election, isn't it time to say "Really? I don't think so. We'll just stick with Barak if you don't mind." Time to boycott the election, demand a decent choice to delude ourselves with or everybody write-in. If Americans go zombylike into this polling booth, there will be no reason to raise the standard. Could be, as Al Jolson used to say, "You ain't seen nothin' yet.

Sunday, October 23, 2016

strong

First there was plain old strong.  Charles Atlas strong I suppose.  You could call that real strong.  That sufficed for a long time.  Then came ARMY strong.  Doesn't mean a damn thing, any more than ARMY stupid does.  But it was pretty catchy so then we got Boston strong and now our own home grown Orlando strong.  Eventually every large city will be its own type of strong.

 Strong is bound to be for us as snow is to the Eskimo.  We will nuance strong as it never before has been nuanced to distinguish which of the many varieties we wish to call forth in conversation.

"New York strong? You call that strong?" a St. Paul woman may well scoff.

Strong snobbery will run rampant across America isolating us one step further from our fellow Americans.  Oh well. 

Friday, October 21, 2016

The truth is out there and there it shall stay; pure, obvious and unloved. 

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Feelin the Love

Allegiance to Trumpelstiltskin appears to be a religious experience.  His followers have traded in their old savior for him.

Thursday, October 06, 2016

It's finally coming - the exact hurricane featured in my hit novel (20,000 print copies sold), Paradise Interrupted. This is the book you must curl up with and read by candle light in the coming days. More than ever you will feel in the pages. Easiest ways to get it - download from defiantworm.com or get it off (ugh) Amazon Kindle. This story really blows.

Monday, October 03, 2016

on the wings of eagles

Donald Trump's main legacy will be the new bigotry established for those who feel superior to his supporters. America has another divide.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

The Geat Equalizer

After Trumpelstiltskin crashed like a Kamikaze last night, the wreckage burned with but a faint glow, apparently never fueled up. His opponent sifted the site and, finding nothing there, stood with fists in the air, biceps bulging, evoking Ali over Liston, as undeniably victorious.
Oddly, one glancing at the Yahoo front page who had not witnessed the accident, would take away the impression that the debate had been equal and nothing of note had occurred.

Monday, September 19, 2016

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Poor Trump

I'm the best at everything. If I was poor, I'd be the poorest person ever. Nobody would be poorer than me. I'd be in the Guinness Book of World Records. I wouldn't even have a car. And if I did I'd fix it myself in the driveway. But I wouldn't be able to afford gas for it anyway so I'd send my kid out with a hose to siphon it out of other cars. Oh my God. I'd be so great at it. I wouldn't even have a beautiful wife. I'd probably just marry my secretary. I'd have a garden in the yard and eat stuff out of it instead of buying it at the store. And I'd shoot squirrels and eat those. And my family would probably starve to death. Maybe not. Dead isn't poor. I'd get food stamps for them. Ugh! Food stamps. Now that's poor. Come on folks, that's really, really poor. And we wouldn't be black. We'd stay white all the time. That would be unbelievable. And get this. My kids would go to community college. Oh my God.  I'd be so great.

Thursday, September 08, 2016

Woman Trumped

If I was a woman, and I'm not saying I ever was, I would have the biggest vagina in the world. I could shoot rockets out of it. I'd fly over Arabia and bomb the crap out of ISIS with it. And the most. I would have the most vaginas anybody ever saw. Believe me. It's true. I'd have them all over my hair. Hell. All over the White House. I'd leave them everywhere. To hell with the Mexican president.

The kind of woman I'd be is unbelievable. You can't believe it. I'd be the prototype for the next generation. Hey – I might go ahead and be black. If you're gonna be a woman, why not?

Wednesday, September 07, 2016

Trump on Gas

Nobody farts bigger than me or smellier.  Or farther.  Is it diet?  I don't know. I think I'm just gifted.  I could start farting toward Mexico and they'd get out there and build the wall themselves. 

Tuesday, September 06, 2016

Trump on the bathroom:

I'd have more use for Hilary Clinton if she was a toilet.

Monday, September 05, 2016

Trump on God

I fart in the general direction of god.  He made the wallet.  come on, people.  I'm building a wall.

Sunday, September 04, 2016

Trump on God

Of course I believe in him.  I'm a big, big believer.  It's guys like God who made me possible.  I'm standing on their shoulders.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

on the road

For the second time on my Grate Nawthren Book Tour, someone has gleefully introduced himself to me as being racist against Negroes, entirely unsolicited.  First was a thirtyish woman, today a thirtyish man, which only reinforces my impression that racism, like love, is here to stay, for no more compelling reason than some people feel real good with it.  I axed the man would he like to join the KKK.  He said, "No. I don't want to kill them.  They're just a stupid race."
"Compared to you?" I axed.
Then he blurted, "Trump isn't black."
I was puzzling out why he would hurt his own case like that when the incomprehensible dawned on me.  I just threw it out there to see if it would stick to something:  "You think  Trump is smart?"
"He's smarter than me," he replied, laying himself wide open.
But I couldn't do it.  Clearly he thought that was some kind of a standard and there was no need to disillusion him.

  So when our government representatives speak about putting an end to prejudice, even if they're Barak O'bama, they must know it's h.s., another shot at placating the masses and nothing more.

In fact, the tone of our present president probably has exacerbated the situation.  He's not a beacon learning all the bigots that a man with a black ass can do the job.   It just pisses them off when he keeps revealing flaws in their religion.

On a better nawthern note, I witnessed for my own self Niagara Falls, which I must say lends some credence to the moon landings.  For some reason unavailable to me, it didn't make me want to pee like crazy.  Or turgid.  Oh yeah, that's Vi-agara.  However it did make me want to fish.  Being thus naturally compelled, I couldn't leave without dropping in a jig as near to the falls bottom as possible. Non-fishermen will fail to understand this unless they can relate it to some inferior compulsion they possess, like a golfer spotting some far-off hole to put a golfing ball in.

 You know you've been fishing in the right spot when you return to where you clambered down from to find two park rangers and a cop waiting to help you up.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Donald's New Dick

So the clowns who brought us ISIS the tv show have availed us anew of their vast influence.  I'm guessing when they yanked their heads simultaneously out each other's butts, it made a sound like thwump.  Close enough for them, they've once again determined the best course for the country.

Thanks be to God.  I don't have to think about it anymore.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Is it anti-women or pro horse?

"I love horses.  Love them, love 'em, love 'em.  Why?  Because a horse is like a woman who's always bent over."

...the next president

Monday, July 25, 2016

Just wondering if it's possible to get lime's disease from politics.  Slime disease certainly.

Friday, July 22, 2016

yay

One had only to view the Republican side show on teevee to despair at the state of modern man.  He might seem alright if he still were cave man but it's the expectations we entertained of our failed evolution that stings the most.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

check out burningtreemagazine.com - more, bigger and better
Watched some of the President's heart felt message yesterday.  It seems to me he failed to acknowledge a key point.  While he encourages Koombayah and everyone recognizing that we're all pretty much alike except skin color and we should embrace each other, he missed the fact that bigots enjoy being bigots and it's part of their self image.  It's not based on any delusions that their race is somehow superior.  Or more American.  Or more deserving.   It's just fun and uplifts them.  It probably enables them to let off steam that otherwise would be turned on their families, giving bigotry, arguably, a positive aspect.  It may even be fed by a natural instinct to repel the advances of another race.   All the platitudes in the world ain't a gonna change any of that.  Then you take nutty bigot plus gun and there's potential for a problem.  I think that's just the way it is.  Might as well try to argue the leaves back onto the trees.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Poor Orlando - back out of the limelight again, the communal mourning having lost its pathos with its currency.   But hey - we're still number 1.

Thursday, July 07, 2016

good night irene

I'm up here where Pennsylvania meets Westbygod and I have noticed the Bible Belt rides a bit higher than one might expect.  This area makes the South look like a hotbed of heathens.  Coincidental with that is an abundance of stickers and signs that say TRUMP and then something about making America grate cheese again or something.  On asking people why the Trump bump, they say it's because he speaks the truth.


Okay.  Finally we're being let in on that elusive item, the truth.  I simply feel like pointing out that this apparent candor is from Candidate Trump.  It's his angle, the same appeal of Ross Perot and Ron Paul but bigger, which accounts for his larger following.    I am quite sure we will not be the confidant of President Trump.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

People who no doubt beat back demons from various directions all their lives got gunned down for their effort.  So what do we say at this point in our cavalcade of disasters?  Oh no, not again?  How about the thought no one can avoid when it happens in such numbers as to evoke a slaughterhouse?  What a waste to just bury them and with people in America going hungry.  They were born individually but they died together as one.  Their number apparently  is 49.  49 got killed.  It will be mourned but not missed.  How often do we use it anyway?  Not likely to be voiced by anyone famous except maybe Donald Trump.   Then there’s the other thought, that we now are permanently mired in the Bush legacy.  Again, thank you Bushes.

Spokespeople for the entire nation will act like they really care when they really don’t.  Orlando newspeople will adopt a mask of gravity when really they just can’t believe this fell in their lap on a slow news day.  Corned beef, not the usual hash.  At last the local visionaries must be satisfied.  Orlando has become a "world class city," standing on the world stage not as crumbs from Disney, but on its own.  Imagine the pressure to make the most of it.   We believe we are what we are not and we try to project an image that is no true reflection; all to disclaim our history.  We are used by technology so we like to think we have evolved to be worthy.

When government officials express their sorrow, let’s remember they are no sadder than we are and for no loftier reasons.  Politicians speak out of concern for their electability else why would they wade at all into grief where they have no business.   The presumptive Republican candidate, Big Iconoclast jumps for the default setting.  He will dredge up all his influence to see what he can do and pray for the victims.  What does God say, nudging his pal Lucifer whose job is to set the scene for glory?

                “So, Trump’s weighing in on this.  Might bear some looking into.”

As we try to distance ourselves from our brutal nature, no matter how we step away it comes along.  We are subject to a government preoccupied with perfecting delivery systems to lethally penetrate human flesh.  No alternative aspiration can trump this in importance.

Bullets brook no qualms about whom they penetrate.  Why do we?  The one killed is ever the plaintiff appalled the same in the presence of justice.  Republicans will modulate their responses, angered by the lawlwssness more than the result, seeming to be damn sorry all the while winking at their base.  After all the scene is not without biblical precedence.  Ironic  who God chose to deliver again the message.  Hmm.  That may not play well.  Better to stay quiet than confuse the faithful.

For those who assume the seeds of this episode were spread only in the socially unhip Middle East, I beg to differ, having run across, back in the 80's I think, the weekly  radio broadcast of the Pastor of the Pine Hills Baptist Church.  I caught only part of it but recorded the re-broadcast later in the day.  Just for Yuks. He was exhorting his flock and his listeners to do no less than set forth from their homes and do the Lord's work by killing some homosexuals.  Just like God did in Sodom and Gomorrah.  If that man still infests the earth, I wonder if he thinks it odd that his words bore fruit on such a tree.

I'm pretty sure this whole thing can be turned by the state into a pretty poignant vanity license plate:  LGBT 49.  Raise some money for some more awareness.   Modern man lives with the grief of millions and it has made him numb to all but his own.  It looks like life, unlike living, is getting cheaper all the time.

Wednesday, June 08, 2016

Okay everybody - here it is, finally , a day in the life of GRATE AUTHER.  Presented by my miscreant pal Justyn Rowe.  I was an unwitting accomplice to this but he'll do it for you too if you want him to.  Tread the fine line between celebrity and disgrace.  Sanctity and sublety.  Salami and pastrami.  So pull up youtube and then plug in   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCDX22-eYYI .  or justyn rowe  levine.  something wonderful might come up.  or Justyn's video

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Perspective

I thought I went out and got money to support my family but looking out the window I just realized I'm the support system for the bird bath under the loquat tree. The rest is incidental. Just ask a blue jay.

Friday, May 20, 2016

ORLANDO WALKS (over the disabled)

If you are one of the unlucky ones who got a door hanger predicting a sidewalk through your front yard on a residential side street, know that the city's stated justification is a lie. We have been informed that the unpopular and ironically named Orlando Walks program is not the city's fault. We should instead blame the disabled for yet another inconvenience. On the door hanger the city states “the sidewalk location is based on an effort to accommodate the Americans with Disabilities Act...” Some pr genius no doubt came up with this when the “public safety” excuse started to seem too silly.

The only problem with that is the ADA has absolutely nothing to do with residential sidewalks and the Public Works Department knows this. The act deals with access to public facilities, not people's houses. So there you have it again, even on this low level of government. They'd just rather lie to us even if the lie is hurtful to people. It's low down. It's dishonest. It's their default setting.


Tuesday, April 26, 2016

reporting from the vast wasteland

May the Good Lord deliver me from local news. I admit it was my fault.  I didn't turn it on but I paused in front of it long enough to hear some white woman reporter treating the fact that someone was killed driving their car under a truck like it was fiction.  Such exciting enunciation!  Then she says, "It's a story you'll only see on WESH!"  Woohoo! I'm in. I ain't touchin that dial.   That's all it is to her, a damn story, so what if lives are shattered, loved ones lost.  It's entertaining.  It's great!! Probably thinks it's pretty hilarious when people get decapitated.   Next thing I saw was a black woman with an orange jacket on so she doesn't get hit by a car all excited showing us where it happened.  The very spot!  So callous reporters come in all colors.  I just have to say, What the Hell is wrong with these people?  Did they have any upbringing at all?   They probably didn't, they're not mean people, they just don't know any better.  

Sunday, April 24, 2016

I'd like to give the world a Captain Ely's Root Beer

Ain't technology marvelous? Today's destitute possess marvels beyond the reach and imagination of any twentieth century tycoon. But they're still destitute.  So does that mean it's better to be destitute now than a tycoon then?

I just realized that people whose lives are entwined into the internet live with a shared consciousness. The internet. With facebook and assbook and everything else, they're all like one being. Everything happens to everybody at the same time so there is no need to inform anybody about anything because they're already up on the Great Public Restroom Debate. I believe our individual lives are already subjugated and on their way to extinction. We are, truly and at last, the world. Have a Coke.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

quote of the day - at planning and zoning board

addressed to a member of the rabble who was trying to clarify something:  "Stop talking.  You can't speak.  This is a public hearing."  That pretty much said it all.  Having witnessed this particular coven concerning further designs on the Econ, I feel unclean from my proximity to the "board members."  I hope it will pass.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Advice from Bass Fishing in Outer Space

Never bring a bluegill to a tarpon fight.



Monday, April 18, 2016

When the incompetent can't vote, we shouldn't either

We all know why felons can't vote in Florida and it's because they're mostly Democrats.  There is no such distinction for the elderly and otherwise deemed incompetent to vote.  It is simply a mean, cruel slap in the face to citizens who have proudly cast their ballots as Americans and suddenly are prohibited from doing so. I just saw it on tv.  Miriam Lancaster, a friend of mine, 100 years feisty, was turned away from the polls because she now has a guardian.  And she's white!!?!

In order to vote she must face a competency hearing, at which I am certain she will be the most intelligent person.   I simply must write, What the Hell is wrong with this state?  So what if they're lunatics or they think Truman is running.  What can it hurt to let them vote?  They've earned the dubious privilege.   There's no Demented Party, other than the GOP that they're going to vote in a block for.  Democracy is not at risk from simply showing these Americans common decency.  But I think they're feelings are greatly at risk from this affront. 

Furthermore, since there clearly is no standard of sanity for the candidates, why must there be one for voters?  Let the competency tests start where they can do some good.  It's time we started demanding a higher standard of treatment from our rulers.  In solidarity we all should stop voting until we all can.  If we are too weak to take this feeble stand, then I guess it is true we get the government we deserve.

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Marcus Welby, on hearing his show had been cancelled

"I caught a telephone looking out the window.  It was gazing steadily at a telephone pole.  I wondered if it sensed a connection, like a football looking at a pig." 

-  from Bass Fishing in Outer Space

                                                               

Monday, March 28, 2016

a third party called the antidote?


There is little joy in choosing between getting  poisoned and being contaminated and this describes our present two- party system of oppression. Democrats must be invited in, elected as it were, to make us sick, while it feels like just touching a Republican would do it.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

inject some new blood

check out burningtreemagazine.com

Friday, March 25, 2016

How odd it seems, that half of Americans prefer their representatives God fearing, when the government as an entity clearly is not, unless it pays homage to God by wreaking havoc among His humblest children. Perhaps this is the Biblical basis for decrying domestic abortion while applauding its export in war.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Relativity

Phones are smart only compared to the people fingering them, as could be said of turds.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

More previews of the First 2016 Presidential Debate

MODERATOR: Let's move onto domestic policies. Mrs Clinton, you appear to be happy with the Affordable Health Care Act. Some opponents claim that this kind of health care hurts the economy. If elected president will you make any changes to health care as it stands today?

CLINTON: As you know I 've spent a lot of time working on healthcare, making a difference. I've stood shoulder...

TRUMPLESTILTSKIN: Healthcare Smellthcare. You want to make a difference in healthcare? Let people die. What's wrong with dying? Christ knows I love the poorly educated so let them go first and show us the way. The doctors 'll hate it because they make a living off dying. They can't do anything with dead.

Clinton: We are the only developed nation in the world without universal healthcare. I've stood beside...

Trumpelstiltskin: Shut up Chuckles. Did you ever think maybe it's time they caught up with us? Where would Americans rather live? Freezing your fat tukus off in Norway with healthcare or here? That's what I thought. It's a done deal.

MODERATOR: Should we assume you'd like to return to the days before Obamacare?”

TRUMPELSTILTSKIN with a thoughtful grimace: Does Hilary shit standing up? Plus we get rid of the AMA and stop requiring doctors to be licensed. Let the poorly educated be doctors. I love them. There are many talented people who can set up neighborhood clinics.  You've got your witches, your psychics, your vegans... Buyer beware. People will  look at results and figure it out quick enough. There'll be a level of care for every pocketbook.   Or maybe they'll take better care of themselves so they don't have to be “going to the doctor” all the time. Before you know it, we'll have dirt cheap healthcare in this country. And without the bureaucracy.

MODERATOR: Alright, let's move on now to gun control. Gun advocates claim that restrictions on gun purchasing would only restrict law abiding citizens, that criminals and fanatics would get them anyway. How do you answer that argument?

CLINTON: I realize I'm not the greatest orator but if Trumpelstiltskin will quit interrupting me, I'd like to say it has to start somewhere. Recently I stood with a woman who had lost her entire family to gun violence. She told me...

TRUMPELSTILTSKIN: Was her name Earp? Look, there's nothing new about this. In 1776 if the populace hadn't been armed, we'd have lost the United States to musket violence. And trust me, if there weren't guns, Mexicans would have figured out how to whack her family. Hack 'em up, drown 'em, club 'em like seals. There's always a way.




Monday, March 21, 2016

Trumpelstiltskin on The Road to the White House

Previews of First Presidential Debate 2016

MODERATOR: Trumpelstiltskin – You have laid out no foreign policy. What do you say to voters who want details?
TRUMPELSTILTSKIN: First I have to lay out Hilary. BANG!! ZOOM!! You know what I mean? (laughter from the audience)

MODERATOR: Mrs. Clinton, what do you say to that?

CLINTON: Well, this isn't New York City and we're not The Honeymooners. We'd all still like to hear what foreign policies Trumpelstiltskin plans to implement.

TRUMPELSTILTSKIN: I made a bet with Vlad that if I win this thing, Hilary has to give me head or hand over her first born. Sorry Bill. At this point I'm getting a little nervous. She'll have to take out her false teeth.

CLINTON: (frustrated): What does that have to do with foreign policy!?! What about the Middle East?

TRUMPLESTILTSKIN: Okay. If I win you have to give head to ISIS. With your teeth in.

MODERATOR: What if Mrs. Clinton refuses?

TRUMPLESTILTSKIN: She can leave them out if she wants to. But she'll do it if I tell her to. Or maybe I should just shlong her. Or I could let her win so that I can shlong the president of the United States. Or I could go ahead and win and shlong her on top of my Mexican wall. Now that's some foreign policy.
(Audience cheering wildly)

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

a little miscommunication

I was just listening to Hilary Clinton gloating abut winning the popularity contest in Florida.  What most impressed me was when she spoke of a woman whose children got shot, because it was a clear demonstration of how stupidly politicians speak to us.  She didn't actually say they got shot.  Nope.  According to the wordsmith, she "lost them to gun violence."  Just think about that.  What the hell does it even mean?  What is gun violence? And now that gun violence has her kids, what's it going to do with them?  If she must use these people's great misfortune to make campaign points, why can't she just say they got shot?  By somebody?  Nope.  Apparently it was one of them damn violent guns they got lost to.

Anyway if you listen closely it happens all the time.   We're spoken to like we're stupid. I don't think Hilary said to Bill, "That was sure sad about that woman losing her children to gun violence."  So maybe we are stupid and that's what we deserve.  We're sitting there watching tv aren't we?  We're paying attention to their little game like we really have a stake in it, aren't we?  Just getting stoopider all the time...

Okay I suppose this is code for "I'm in favor of gun control."  So her erudite supporters used to communicating in riddles get that while all the gun toters don't detect anything wrong with it.  Winking at the gun controllers, faking out the toters.  When it gets to this point it's pretty clear they're just wasting our stupid time.

Tuesday, March 01, 2016

the Next GOP debate


"Trumpelstiltskin, you peed in your pants."

"Marco Rubio, is that all you can say?"

"Trumpelstiltskin, you peed in your pants."

Ben Carson says, “Will somebody please pee on me?”

John Kasich says, “What in the living hell is going on here? Has everybody gone bonkers?”

The moderator says, “Don't pay any attention to him. He's mayor of Ohio or something.”

“Trumpelstiltskin, look at my doody,” Rubio says, reaching into his pants.

But Trumpelstiltskin has already thrown his and it's zooming toward Rubio's face. Rubio ducks in time for it to fly by and hit Kasich in the mouth just as he's about to say something else irrelevant.”

“Oh sure, hit Kasich,” Carson says. “What about me?”

“And now,” says the moderator, “for the next question.”



So then Trumpelstiltskin eats all the Republican things and craps them out altogether in a giant pile of conservatism. “Trumpelstiltskin for president,” he says and leaves the stage.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Marco Polo, Marco Polo, Marco Polo....

Interview with Marco Robio who said right out in public where people could hear him...

“I thank God all the time that George Bush was president on 9/11, not Al Gore.”


    Mr. Robio, how do you know God rigged the 2000 election?
    “Barak O'Bama knows exactly what he's doing.”

    Why do you assume God hates America?
    “Barak O'bama wants to make America like every place else.”
    You have stated that you “thank God all the time that George Bush was president.” Are you thanking him right now? Does this explain your frequent absence from Senatorial duties?
    “Thank this, Barak O'Bama.”

    How are you able to accomplish this feat of mental stamina? Do you have a way of putting your brain on repeat mode, like a phonograph needle?
    "Barak O'Bama knows exactly what I'm doing.”

    Is this why you have nothing interesting to say, because all you do is thank God that George Bush was president on 9/11?
    “Thank God for all the Bushes, every one.”

    Do you have a way of dividing up your brain so that you can be thanking God for George Bush while also thinking other inane things?
    “Yes. I am a man of many brains.”

    When you thank God that Al Gore was not president, do you consider that a separate homage?
    “Thank God for God.”

    Why are you grateful to God for making sure Al Gore was not president on that fateful day? Are you afraid Al Gore would have ignored briefings predicting an imminent attack by his brother Al Qaeda flying planes into the Trade Center and then after that happened, would have done something incredibly stupid like unleashing retribution on the wrong country, causing the deaths of many more Americans than died in the attack, and the Middle East chaos we see today?
    “Yes.”

    Considering how it's all turned out, don't you think you're thanking the wrong god? It seems more like something Allah would arrange.
    “Allah, I need some water. Where'd the oasis go?”

Monday, February 15, 2016

Hoo wee doggies

While watching the latest Republican presidential debase, it occurred to me that we live inside a kaleidoscope of marvels and should therefore proceed in a state of perpetual wonderment, like the Iceman. Anything less is a terrible waste of opportunity.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Invading the Oscars

Wil Smith's boycott of the Oscars is a prime example of what happens when you let Negroes participate in things a little out of their line. Instead of being glad we let them be in the movies, and it wasn't always that way, now they have to get Academy Awards.

They should remember whose game they're being allowed to play in. That doesn't mean they have to win. We don't go around trying to get in their checkers games and then getting upset if we lose. They generally don't let us on their football, basketball or track teams. And if we do get on, we don't expect to get awards. Everybody doesn't have to do everything.
It's like with the busses. Why can't they be satisfied just to ride in them. They didn't invent busses. Left up to Negroes we'd all still be walking to work.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

the voice of reason

Dear Trumpelstiltskin -

Why are you so fat? Do you want to explode next to a terrorist cell? Do you like to fart? I do. How come I don't have much to say? How about this – Why did you say mean things about my brother George? Come on Trumpelstiltskin, don't be mean. Put my thunder back where you got it from. I'm supposed to be the one everybody's arguing with. Let me be president. Out of millions of families in this great land of ours, why shouldn't three of them come from the same one?  That really proves anybody can grow up to be president.   Why are you so tall, Trumpelstiltskin? You're supposed to be tiny. Stop hurting everybody's feelings, Trumpelstiltskin. Think a different way. Then we can be friends and play together in the billionaire's garden of life.

Love,

Jeb

Friday, January 15, 2016

An Open Letter to Isis


Dear Isis,

How are you? I'm fine. Are you a bunch of sand niggers? My girlfriend is a sand nigger. She will blow you. Does that make you hate my freedom? Why is your name isis? Is you or is you not? Or is you isis? I don't get it.

Hey –Marco Rubio will also blow you – up. Then you'll be isnot. And you won't be so tough. Do you watch the Big Bang Theory? Because I've got a big bang theory for you. BIGBANG!

Hey – do you know what time it is? Me neither. Who cares? So what are you doing right now? Do you like to go fishing? Because I do. What do you like to catch? Sand eels?   What's it like in the Middle East? East of what? Did you ever hear of Howdy Doody? Do you want to come to America? Did you ever see Donald Trump naked? He always says what his mouth thinks.

Well that's all for now.

Love,
Jeb

Thursday, January 14, 2016

The Paternal Order of Polar Bears

Just talking business over hot drinks in a 7-11/ Dunkin Donuts with an articulate, thoughtful guy I recently met who after ten minutes already has revealed  a non religious, spiritual view of God, supported by belief in a higher power, no clue what form it would take.  He also believes time to be a man-made item and  only "now" exists, past and future mere illusions; all thought provoking stuff indicating intelligence(for a human) and one who exalts the level of his thinking to concepts of a high order.  Enter politics.  He chanced to say he dislikes our first Irish president. I asked him why.
      "He wants to dismantle the country."
       Again I ask why.
       "Look at his father."
       "Okay."
       "He's a Muslim communist.   His mother's white and she's a Muslim communist."
       "I thought he's only seen his father one time."
       "He wrote a book called Through the Eyes of my Father.  He's spent a lot of time with him."

Ever since the advent on the public stage of The World's Stupidest White Man (there is a race of blue people living inside automobile gas tanks, rumored to all be stupider than Ronald Reagan but skepticism is running high and none has been interviewed yet for the job), I have observed a pattern:  People can discourse on a variety of subjects coherently but let them stray into the political zone and they turn into baboons with diarrhea on the dinner table.  I'm still not sure if politics makes people stupid, renders them temporarily insane or if it's such an intrinsically stupid area that one cannot speak about it intelligently.  The chilling fact is, my views on the matter probably sound just as dumb to him.