Wednesday, November 13, 2019

can't keep up

When I looked good, people told me I looked like Hell. Now that I do look like Hell, people tell me I look good.
Who are these people?

Tuesday, October 22, 2019

Dyer Straits


Nominee for most hilarious campaign brochure ever: Reminding us of the upcoming local selection, we got in the mail a four-page high dollar comic whole lot of saying nothing. About someone, we must assume, who has done nothing to brag about. It's populated by a variously positioned cardboard standup of Buddy, (like Buddha, Beyonce and Jeb) - last name apparently too prophetic for public consumption. Feaux Buddy has been placed before three separate sets of folks and a soccer ball who are trying to ignore this eerily grinning statue. The illusion being floated is it's a real person being a man of the people traveling to different neighborhoods. Note location of soccer ball behind nattily attired black couple puzzling over what they're confronted with. Clearly the soccer ball prop was a good look only for the Hispanic-white couple. The ball also tells us that, instead of visiting different neighborhoods, where people might have their own ball, they just stood the standup in one place and arrayed the living models.

Thus our fearless leader. But anyway, don't forget. A vote for Buddy is a vote for Dyer.

Thursday, October 10, 2019

Only humans create art and only humans are impressed by it.

Wednesday, August 21, 2019

it's all in the setting

Peanut butter on your toast looks delicious.  The same thing on your lawn looks like dog shit.

Tuesday, August 06, 2019


Apparently the White House Chief of Staph is also stupid. As is anyone at this point who fails to recognize the deliberate role of the media in the perpetration and perpetuation of civilian mass killings as well as the time-honored government sanctioned ones. It's a form of random capital punishment they call capitalism. There it is – the demon unmasked. Again. Why is the outcry still and forever misdirected?   They do say love is blind.

Friday, July 26, 2019

fishermen ain't the biggest liars


I've been laid up for a week with a foot injury but the long term wound will be to my already weakened brain, from exposure to television. In the course of this marathon Orlando's WKMG has been running a montage designed to convince people how great their news show is, how honest they are and how they're just out there making everybody's lives better in the community.

Somehow they feel it's important to give the impression that one of their female reporters goes fishing, probably to bolster the “just folks” feeling. In aid of this goal they show her pretending to cast a spinning rod.from a seawall. Apparently nobody at that station ever went fishing or even knows what fishing is, especially her, because no one on Earth can cast a spinning rod they way she's holding it. It's far worse, even, then upside down spinning reel syndrome.

My question is, “If they can't even be trusted to put together an ad without trying to deceive their viewers, then how much peanut butter is really on the moon?
Spread this level of integrity over the entire country, local and national news, exaggerate it commensurate with the perceived size of a given story and that's an awful lot of cream cheese buttocks in Peoria. And why shouldn't we?

Tuesday, June 25, 2019

Is there intelligent life in outer space?   Dolphins want to know.

Tuesday, June 18, 2019


In a city where, if not ornately attired you will be busted for reclining on a public bench, fanatics are allowed to pitch tents and live, sleep and eat on the sidewalk to view their candidate chewing up millions of tax dollars to kick off his campaign. Yeeha!

Monday, June 03, 2019


We are appalled by the government only because we expect better. This baseless expectation lies at the root of the problem.

Monday, May 20, 2019

yahoo!


Looks like our visionary Florida legislature just passed a bill, as they call it, authorizing an acceleration of the already frantic destruction of nature in Florida, the toll road building mayhem to end them all, apparently through land thought to be safe. Then Governor Bigot signed it of course. These people are enabled to have influence on our lives, largely due to abominations like The Villages, whose residents, boasting the nation's highest std rate and who vote like they have syphilis, should be disenfranchised from voting. But that won't happen. The drought continues – forecast: no brain in sight.

Sunday, April 14, 2019

strike three


In our computer age avalanche of good things driven asunder by craven trends, there goes the bowling alley, one anyway. The closing of Orlando's Brunswick Lanes – a cool, dark, happy cave where body English and body language are the only signs of anguish; where anybody regardless of size or ability can drop a bowl onto the lane and watch it roll, 'cause it's all downhill; where the cannonballs have finger holes and the only hunt is hunting up a beer or a ball with holes to fit your hand; where the only relevant sounds are laughter and the crashing of colored balls against terrified white pins. Where the best sight is those pins suddenly disappearing in a clamor only to rise again. It's Easter all day every day. Was. For sure “was” will beat what will be. And that is the acid test for progress.

Monday, April 08, 2019

it's the real thing

Fake news!  All started years ago by the Weather Underground.  Emboldened by notoriety, they emerged and became the Weathermen.  Now they appear every day on local news.  And they NEVER get it right.  Still, viewers can't get enough of them.  Other tv people saw this and said, Dang!  We can do that too.  To hell with trying to say things that fit reality - people really don't care just as long as we're saying something. Just make shit up everyday - that means more time on the beach.

Thursday, March 28, 2019

If you can't sit on an indicted president, how can you set a dental precedent?
If you can't indict a sitting president, wait 'til he stands up.

Friday, March 15, 2019

principle peter


Where the rubber meets the road, nothing thrills a human so deeply as a ball commandeered and carried off the other way. Perhaps we set the bar too high.

Monday, March 11, 2019

no sense in censorship

I get barred from the Orlando city market at Lake Eola for satirizing the Ku Klux Klan and Spike Lee gets an Oscar for it. I'm feeling hard done by. The Last Opus of Hector Berlioz - BANNED!!



When you can't make fun of the Klan, what's left?

Sunday, February 24, 2019


Selling books last weekend at the Cortez Seafood and Levine Festival and discovered there's a new humanoid on the block. Not sure if this is a race or species or just the latest sign of the devolution of our cherished brand, but here it is:

Perfectly normal looking young woman walks by my booth.

“I'm selling my books,” I say jubilantly, expecting this to greatly excite her. “Got my hit novel right here.”

Never slowing down, she turns her head my way and says, “I'm a Kindle Person.”

I'm not sure if this means she was created by Amazon Kindle or she joined a cult that worships Kindle. Whichever, it may be a chilling portent of things to come. The battle lines are being drawn.

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

moving on

been thinking a lot about something lately. No matter how much I may want it, I'm never going to achieve my goal. It's hard to imagine what kind of person would actually want to be an Oscar Meyer weiner anyway. or any brand of hot dog. I'm over it. So really, I'm glad I'm not an Oscar Meyer weiner. Want what you have.

Thursday, February 07, 2019

I wish I were an Oscar Myer weiner

Wednesday, January 02, 2019

New years revolutions for America:

  1. Shoot your tv. It's killing you. Right now America is the realization of The Invasion of the Body Snatchers. In the movie Americans resisted getting their lives snatched away but once it happened, they were content. In reality it was so gradual nobody knew to resist. Imagine the enormous collective sigh of relief across the nation when, at the same moment every man, woman and child throws off the chains of tv watching.

It just hit me what the number one purpose of television is, the reason why the federal government mandates free tv so all may view it. It gives us role models– tv shows people going to work, drinking alcohol for fun and involving themselves in only the mudanities of their personal lives, usually restricted to their own abode. Ever wonder why there's never been a sitcom about the crew of the Rainbow Warrior or Sea Shepherd out there trying to save whales from whalers? How about a bunch of good citizens by day, vandalizing construction equipment by night in aid of Mother Nature? How about a drama based on the lives of a quirky bunch of homeless people? Well, as exponentially more interesting as that would be, got no industrial strength role models there.
More than anything else, tv shows us inmates how to use our lives to perpetuate the insane asylum that is modern America.

      1. Reduce to rubble with a framing hammer your computer thereby reclaiming the real world. This means all your imaginary friends will die. Yahoo! Read the book Making Friends and Influencing People and then go out and make friends to replace your recent casualties. Instead of being entertained, be entertaining. Be like a Mexican and learn the guitar. Sing. Just go out and lay on the ground. You now have the free time for that.

That's all