Monday, December 31, 2007

Poor Al Gore

Al Gore is the most tragic figure in the history of American politics. Who knows what it’s been like for him to watch from his personal Purgatory as George Bush stomped through his presidency like a hobgoblin through goodness. But Gore recently was granted a chance at redemption and he failed to take it. It was a huge letdown for me.

Recently Al Gore and Bush met alone for forty-five minutes. Here is my fantasy: Imagine Al Gore walking out of the room, dusting off his hands against each other, straightening his tie and looking with a new-found serenity to the future, George Bush lying in a crumpled lump on the floor. No, not dead, but forty-five minutes was more than enough time for Gore to beat the snot out of him, as he has every right to do and as every American has the right to expect of him. Now imagine the cheering around the world, the chanting of “Al Gore” from every righteous mouth. Forget about all the other Democrats. Here would be the nominee by acclaim, redefining quick, economical campaign. And here would be a cherished place for Gore in history.

It is, in fact, the only way I can imagine Gore ever coming truly right. And as we all squander or fail to recognize opportunity, he missed this one. Darn shame.

-- Tom Levine

Thursday, December 27, 2007

If Mark Twain Could See Us Now

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If Mark Twain Could See Us Now

by Tom Levine

I apologize for my previous view of the human race. I see now I have been something of a Pollyanna; but what pessimist could have imagined twenty- first century man? Cruelty, greed and sloth have enjoyed a race with each other this hundred years and government met them at the finish line. The ground they sped across is sprouting horrors at a pace to give this young century the edge for history's worst before a tenth of the crop is in.

I thought we stood on the precipice of enlightenment. Instead mankind's higher aspirations were gunned down in the street as they stretched and yawned before a morning stroll to the flower shop. Jesus, too, has been wounded - in the leg and is unsuitably employed trying to heal himself. I am told an ambulance is on the way. Nations, tribes, races - they've all outlived the dubious utility of their distinctions. If once they were an irresistible excuse for the dispatching of one's fellow man, in my day it was only retail.

Every modern household features an electrified box which displays atrocities from around the world. At last the dark recesses of evil have been exposed by an amazing light for all to see and rise up against them. However, with fame these corruptions have become entertainment and are used to sell product; so they will endure. The happy chatter of their audience is interrupted only by the assassination of food. By multiplying the staggering death rate by the even more impressive total of such appliances, the entire human population can be wiped out at least once a week, and twice during holidays. Modern man lives with the grief of millions and it has made him numb to all but his own.

Pygmies shall inherit the earth. No one bothers to kill them in American households. Perhaps they are too small and it has been deemed a waste of artillery.

I have met the twenty-first century American president but I believe someone is playing me a joke. They have gone out and fetched the least likely man for the job and masqueraded him before me. I think it a bit cruel as this bumpkin must know how he is being used. I do hope to meet the real president. To guide this country as it is today, he must be of a more remarkable breed of man than any I have known.

The way medicine was bounding out of the dark ages in my lifetime, I expected this day's physician to cure a rock of its hardness. Instead medicine seems to have bounded into a wall. And stuck there. Little more is repaired now than before. The modern doctor makes his mark dispensing pills to ease the sufferer's case for a time, but which will cure him of life down the line. Government agencies exist to test these drugs but often their data is collected in the marketplace.

I have seen images from the Hubble telescope. They seem almost a grander hoax than the president but I am assured they are the real article. So this is how space looks viewed from beyond the blur of our atmosphere. What Galileo would have given for my eyes! If one must take the bad along with the good, if men can look upon such star clusters and then turn back to the more natural business of slaughtering each other for the god whose heaven they have yet to locate in that cosmos, then I suppose it is worth it. In the twenty-first century cave men look through time to the dawn of the universe. And are unmoved.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Questions I'd like someone to ask Barak Obama

Questions I'd like someone to ask Barak Obama, as he is claiming candor as his mantle:

  • Do you consider George Bush and his accomplices criminals?
  • As President, would you block international attempts to prosecute them as war criminals?

Monday, October 29, 2007

Rice's Warning

Is it just me, but when Condosleeza Rice warns Turkey not to invade Iraq, does everybody get this image of a black leopard crouched over a recent kill, snarling and swatting at the vultures?

Thursday, October 11, 2007

The American Economy

If the American economy seems about as vibrant as a hangover, it is because Americans are in limbo. We are in shock from the consequences of allowing the least wise among us to rule and determine our fate.

For years our wisemen warned of global warming (ex. Carl Sagan, his book published in 1995). So we ignored them and invited greedy businessmen and their politician puppets to craft our future. Now it appears, though we were metaphorically warned about this even in the Bible, Industrial Man has destroyed Eden.

This country's resources were used to attack and subsequently destroy Iraq for no good reason. Now, instead of concerning ourselves with the positive subjects that should have been ushered in by the new millenium, we are swallowed up by this horror and the ongoing guilt of having liberated over half a million men, women and children from the joys and travails of life, and driven another two million from their country. And the ruthless nincompoops responsible are still in charge, still affecting peoples' lives!

There are enormous clouds hanging over our heads. Kind of hard to get all that excited about business.

-- Tom Levine

Monday, August 27, 2007

Consider the bald eagle

Consider the bald eagle. The symbol of the world's greatest nation, he is unaffected and lives modestly without roof or walls on a pile of sticks, the very lifestyle that signals failure among his adoring subjects. An unschooled observer might believe he actually represents only Arkansas
or Mississippi. This shabby existence reflects not only humility but ignorance, each eagle feeling it must be some other eagle leading the free human world.

Maybe the choice of national symbol was made hastily. We look at the eagle as we do a recently squashed pet, seeing only those characteristics that we cherish. In a transparent attempt to create common ground, we even have treated the eagle as ourselves, trying to poison him into extinction. Selectively, a case can be made that this is a noble or an ignoble bird, a being that shares many traits with Americans or none.

The eagle got in as the national symbol because he can fly really high and still see details on the ground, or at least pretend to; and he is a hunter and fisher, living on top of a tree or rock, ruler of all he surveys, tax exempt.

There is little here that makes him an appropriate standard bearer for the American people. However, this bird also walks badly, eats carrion and gets a white head with maturity. So after all he is like us. We like favorable associations and are not bothered by the uppity bird's reluctance to fraternize. Although this indifference is necessary to reverence, some might say that it shows plain good sense.

The fundamental problem with America is the eagle. Americans spend far too much effort trying to be worthy of this icon. We climb trees, scale rocks and jump off them, go hunting and fishing, even built the U-2. We need a symbol we can realistically aspire to and then get on with life.
Whittling down the field of logical successors is easy.

Americans, by and large, can't fly. This leaves only birds with one wing shot off. Suddenly the bald eagle rushes to the fore. We could live calmly with the "wounded eagle". For promotional purposes, the wound could be rotated. For example, the "Eagle with its Head Blown Off" would be appropriate for armed forces recruiting posters.

Moving down the line, bees and other flying insects also exceed us but are less enviable due to size. However, the North American truck grill dragonfly would be a fine representative. It accomplishes very little and travels a lot without seeing anything.

Americans can survive in water for short periods but, compared to most aquatic animals, we can't swim. This eliminates aquatic mammals, turtles and fishes. However, laying on the bottom, the sea cucumber comes to mind, total lethargy within reach of any American with a television.
Of rocks, bituminous coal is most likely, being soft and flammable.

Plants are too beneficial for consideration.

The mammal category gets complicated, many mammals sharing characteristics with us. I have narrowed it down to two: the first is the domestic dog. To signify America of course, the dog must be a big mutt. Of the many classic canine poses, humans everywhere relate to the "big dog
defecating". Americans can emulate this ecstasy and likely achieve it every morning, leaving the rest of the day for industry. And the dog's countenance will rival the eagle's for severity and concentration. There is some question, however, whether "dog with head blown off" would have the desired impact on recruitment posters. The competing mammal candidate, logically enough, is the human. And why shouldn't we celebrate ourselves? In particular, I propose SUPERMAN. He would be better than the eagle because he can do more things yet he is an American. We would not be obsessed with equaling his achievements as we are with the eagle, because he is one of us. We could simply sit back and root for the man of steel, speaking with familiarity about his performance.

If we wish to display our sense of humor to the world, then "Indian with an Arrow through his Head Drinking on a Can of Beer" is a good one. He's a universal metaphor. For a touch of the old aggression, put an eagle feather in his hair.

For women, we must tap the "red '57 Chevy convertible with a nekkid lady propped across the back seat." It just feels comfortable. The finalists for the symbol of America are:

Wounded eagle
Truck grill dragonfly
Defecating Dog
Sea cucumber
SUPERMAN
Bituminous coal
Indian
'57 Chevy

For practical reasons, I have to go with the wounded eagle. It will be a simple matter to convert all the present paperweights, the lopped off material sent to recycling centers to add nicely to our gross national product. Changing to an entirely new idol would over-stimulate the economy, ballooning inflation and bringing on recession.

Although Superman is tempting.

Monday, August 06, 2007

This is my "I believe" essay that NBR hasn't sent me $200 for yet

This is my "I believe" essay that NBR hasn't sent me $200 for yet.

I believe I should not profit from the misery of another; therefore were I a news reporter, it would seem indecent to report someone's tragic loss to the unconcerned masses for whom it would be largely entertainment and relief that it wasn't them and really none of their damn business, so I would not do it and my career would be short. I believe if you sell cigarettes, you are pimping for the tobacco companies, so if I were a store clerk, I would refuse to purvey them and very soon I would be fired. I also believe the gene pool would be enhanced if people stupid enough to smoke would die of lung cancer before they can reproduce. With the exception of my parents. Though there are many intelligent people in it, I believe the public is an idiot. I believe people would feel better if they made more music than they listen to, if they felt the earth beneath their feet when they walk and if they weren't forced to know about an entire planet's worth of suffering. I believe giving allegiance to your government is like identifying with your kidnappers. I believe governments wage war until enough regular people just trying to get on with their lives are killed, and then they stop, with no casualties to the interested parties. Many more people have been killed by the United States in Iraq than were killed in the World Trade Center attack. Therefore I believe the United States government is a far more terrible monster than Al-Qaida. I believe people feel obliged only to live up to their self-image, so for human behavior to improve, every individual's idea of himself must improve. I believe I should not say anything behind someone's back that I wouldn't say to his face. Therefore I am prepared to say some really awful things to the people who hijacked this country in the 2000 election, should I ever meet their faces. I believe they are ruthless nincompoops but they are not the problem with this democracy, only the clearest possible symptom of how sick it has become. I believe knowledge of the passage of time is what kills us and we would live forever without periodic motion. At least until we died. I don't think we advance alongside technology's advances. We are still just cave men living in a more perilous time. I believe there is no bizness like show bizness. I believe the idea of curing cancer is a farce. It only can be prevented, by living naturally. Cancer is not the problem, only the clearest possible symptom of how sick our environment has become. I believe I'll have another beer. There is no such thing as good and evil, only nice and mean. I think entertainment leaves people unsatisfied and participation makes people feel strong. I believe Little League should be abolished so kids can just go out and play baseball for fun again. And I believe I am finished.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Quick one.....

The funniest thing about bush transferring power during his brain exam is that he believes it matters whether he's clinically unconscious or not. But I suppose it's fun for him to pretend.

Monday, July 09, 2007

An Act of Cod

Sooner or later everyone witnesses an "act of cod."
When it happens, most of us are not ready for it. For
example it happened to me in the Astor Theater as I
waited to see Blazing Saddles for the sixth time. In
two days. Suddenly the screen rolled up and fifteen
cod came soft shoeing across the stage. At first I
wanted my money back but then I began to appreciate
the miraculous nature of what I had just seen. In the
realm of natural phenomena movie screens simply do not
just roll up. And then I remembered the cod. Yes,
the cod were there when it happened, weren’t they?
Very simply, since then I have been a follower of cod.
And so I began talking to people about my experience
and many said yes, they too had witnessed a miracle at
some time and in each case they saw cod. Even as far
back as the Bible, what did Charlton Heston say when
he wanted the waters of the Red Sea held back? That’s
right. "Cod dam it."

But unfortunately most people are not ready to
accept the significance of an act of cod when it
happens to them. Take the well documented story of
the old blind lady who was knocked to the sidewalk by
a school of cod. When she got up off the pavement,
her herring was gone as well.

Many evangelists and other fishers of men will
try to tell you that everything is an act of cod.
They are not wrong. If you have good luck, it is an
act of cod. If you have bad luck, it’s because of
cod. And if you have no luck at all, you can thank cod
for that. When you were a child, didn’t the tooth cod
put twenty-five scents under your pillow? Didn’t cod
bring you a beautiful day?

If we are ready, the answers to all our
questions can be found in the word of cod, which is
"blub". "B" for "Be kind," "L" for "Love everything
but don’t eat brussels sprouts," "U" for "Underwear
isn’t necessary," and "B" for "blub."

Monday, June 25, 2007

An Interesting Dichotomy

Statistics show driving on the phone is as dangerous to others as driving under the influence of alcohol.

Driving unbuckled is dangerous only to oneself.

Driving on the phone is perfectly legal.

Driving unbuckled is a crime.

If we are coerced to buckle up for our precious safety as advertised, then why are we not protected from cell phone users as we are from drunk drivers?

Could it be in the land of the free and the home of the brave that we are granted what liberties benefit the telecommunications giants and denied those painful to the insurance industry?

The liquor industry probably approves of drunk driving prohibition as it doesn't likely diminish the amount of their product purchased and it preserves the lives of their customers. So they do not fight it. This viewpoint might work for the phone companies but consumption of minutes would be down too drastically to allow making the roads safer.

I would like to hear this explained by a lawmaker.