Saturday, August 29, 2015

Trumpelstiltskin in Space

“Please, Barak O’Bama, let me go back to Earth and I will show with good works how much I repent of being a jerk.”
                “Trumplelstiltskin, I thought you were dumb but I didn’t know you were crazy.   I ain’t even got started on you …”
                Just then Trumpelstiltskin jumped off of heaven and into space.  Luckily the golden strands upon his head caught the attention of gravity and pulled him away.  Barak O’Bama saw this and commanded gravity to cease and desist but gravity didn’t pay him no mind.  He tried vetoing it but that didn’t work either.  So Trumpelstiltskin was laughing in space and sticking out his tongue some more at Barak O’Bama.
                Gravity isn’t real fast from so far away so Trumpelstiltskin seemed to float around for quite awhile which gave him plenty of time to contemplate the error of his ways.   Unable to find it, he returned to thoughts of satisfying his ever-growing hunger for baby Mexicans.
                Then a planet appeared beneath Trumpelstiltskin and he knew that soon he would be around good food again.  Trumpelstiltskin’s golden strands blossomed out into a parachute and he gently touched down in a red wasteland.
                “Shit,” he thought, “this must be Mars.”  Then he brightened.   “But everyone here will be an alien and taste great!”
                Then a Martian flew up to Trumpelstiltskin and said in a German accent, “Your passport please.”
                Trumpelstitskin said, “$$$K you.   I don’t need a stupid passport to come here.  I’m heaven sent.”
                Then a customs official Martian crawled over and said, ”Trumpelstiltskin, you are an illegal alien.  Stop raping everybody.”
                So then Trumplestitskin got really mad and sat on the customs official.
                The customs official said, “Let’s make a deal.”
               
to be continued...

                

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Trumpelstiltskin Meets his Maker

‘Trumpelstiltskin was surprised to see Barak O’Bama in Heaven. He said, “Barak O’Bama, why do I keep having your children.   Just cut it out, Barak O’bama.”
“Yo Trumpelstiltskin, shutuppayou mouth when you're up here.   When you were alive, you thought I was just  El Presidente of those United States of Unamerican Activities.  That’s just the best I could do down there.  As you can see, this is my day job.  If you think I gave you some shit before, just think what I can do now.”
                Trumpelstiltskin stuck out his tongue.  “Barak O’Bama, you can’t do anything to me because I already made it here.”
                “Really, Trumpelstiltskin, is that what you think?  Maybe you’re here because I requested you.”
                So then Barak O’Bama drew a curtain.   Behind it stood Mickey Rooney with a skunk spraying him eternally.  Barak O’Bama said, “I hated The Atomic Kid.”

                Then Trumpelstiltskin started getting nervous.  

"Trumpelstiltskin, you've been an incredible jerk your whole life.  You either have to sincerely repent or pay the consequences."

Will  Trumpelstiltskin repent??  Stay tuned



Saturday, August 22, 2015

More from my latest novel

“I still say Klingons is the niggers of outer space,” Curtis Baumgartner said.
          Wayne Clewless took a slug of Pabst, then set down the can with authority and stared down the bar at Baumgartner like he was sighting him with his .22. “And I keep tellin you they ain't no niggers in space.”
          “I ain't talkin bout actual niggers. I'm sayin they is the niggers of space.”
          “And I'm sayin they ain't no niggers in space.”
        “ What he's sayin Wayne,” Buddy Burnsed stepped in, “ is ever place has its niggers. And in space it's the Klingons.”
          “But how'd they ever get in space? And how'd a bunch a niggers build a space ship? Answer me that. ”
          “Them Klingon ships do look like they's nigger-rigged, Curtis,” Buddy Burnsed said.
          “They ain't... regular... niggers,” Curtis Baumgartner explained, exasperated. “They got regular niggers on the Enterprise. You kin see the diff'rence.”
          “Okay. So you's sayin' they's space niggers.”
          “If thet's the closest you kin come to unnerstandin it, Wayne, then yeah. They's space niggers.”
          Wayne stared upward, visualizing the final frontier in the glo-in-the-dark stars glued to the ceiling.  “Well, if they's niggers in space, then why they ain't no Klan?  Answer me that.”
          Curtis almost fell off his stool.  “Wayne, you idiot – what'd you think the Fed'ration is?”
          Buddy Burnsed muttered “Jesus Christ, Wayne,” into his beer.   

"Levine is laugh out loud.  He is a master of the genre."  - Midwest Book Review

The Last Opus of Hector Berlioz ...  available on Amazon Kindle or e-mail for a real book


Thursday, August 20, 2015

Trumpelstiltskin for President

Everybody said, “Trumpelstiltskin will be a great president!” and “Trumpelstiltskin will save us from things!”
Then some other people said, “Wait a minute.  We want somebody else to be President.”
So Trumpelstiltskin  became President of the United States.   Hooray for Trumplestiltskin!

Trumpelstiltskin was always rubbing his hands together now.  The first thing he said was, “Mexican families can stay but I have to eat all their babies.”  President Stiltskin got so excited when he said this that he flew all across the western hemisphere like a giant balloon somebody let go of.  Finally he came down in Mexico where everybody thought he was the pin~ata from God and stuck pitchforks in him and beat him with bats. 
                So Trumpelstiltskin was dead.  When God saw him floating up to Heaven he almost blew a gasket.  “Trumpelstiltskin, why for is you coming here?” he yelled. 

                Trumpelstiltskin thought only of angel food.

to be continued...

Monday, August 17, 2015

Excerpt from my latest novel

Lawful ownership of many Taft houses was a concept  of no greater consequence than the middle name of the man in the moon.  People lived in them until they perished, were pushed out or failed to find their way home again.  Then immediately somebody else entered and controlled the space.  With neither the time nor the inclination to pine for a vacancy, Bubbah Berlioz scouted a block, identified his target and forced out a family of Jewish midgets.  He ensconced his wife there to begin their life together.   

The Last Opus of Hector Berlioz … available on Amazon Kindle or e-mail for signed first edition.  Buy one.


“Tom Levine manages to offend pretty much every segment of society in this hilarious new novel.” –Jim Finnigan

Sunday, August 16, 2015

More from Trumpelstiltskin

So Barak O’Bama said, “Saints preserve us, Trumpelstiltskin, I need you to negotiate with those               Irabians before they blow  Ireland off the map.”
                Then Trumpelstiltskin rubbed his hands together.  When Trumpelstiltskin went to Irab, he said, “Here’s the deal.  I eat a baby Irabian every day until some woman Irabian can weave golden hair upon my head. “
                The Irabians said, “And that’s it?”
                Trumpelstiltskin rubbed his hands together again and said, “No.  There’s one more thing.”
                Then Trumpelstiltskin got a phone call and it was  Barak O’Bama.   Barak O’bama said,“How’s it goin’, Rump?”
                Trumpelstiltskin said, “What is wrong with you?”
                Then Barak O’bama went to Paraguay.
                So the Irabians asked Trumpelstiltskin what was the other thing and Trumpelstiltskin told them, “Eat my shorts.”
                Then the Irabians did that and Trumpelstiltskin was a big hero in the United States of America.  So everybody said, Trumpelstiltskin for president.  And then he ran for president.
               

                 

Friday, August 14, 2015

Unbearably Small

In a thinly disguised attempt to learn the number of Florida males with subnormal dicks, the State of Florida has begun issuing bear hunting permits.   Personally I never put any stock in the correlation some people draw between jacked-up cars, hunting, telescopes and this natural distinction.  Until  Field and Stream Magazine started inexplicably appearing in my mailbox monthly.  On perusal I noticed every issue has four solid pages of  dick enlargement ads.   Subsequent research showed this to be a revenue base common to hunting magazines. 
            So,I thought, some men compensate by reading hunting magazines.  I don’t know if they pose with this reading material to appear to have a bigger penis or if it’s the reading that supplies the desired increase.  To further complicate the matter, just reading a hunting magazine does not prove your dick is small.  Perhaps some feel inadequate in spite of their already large lower proboscis and wish to lug around a giant one.
            Of course many men hunt who own a regular dick but probably their inspiration to hunt comes from elsewhere than a magazine.  And mostly they don’t care to shoot a bear because they already own and love a. dog and they know there is precious little difference. 
            It looks like for once the government is onto something.  Their data will have some substance.  What they plan to do with it, who knows?  But if you find yourself about to buy a bear killing permit, you might want to reconsider.  Is that a list you really want to be on?      




Friday, August 07, 2015

and then...

The Hunchback of Notre Dame said the world could be a better place if everyone would be nice.  Trumpelstiltskin said he wondered if there were any baby hunchbacks around to eat.  And so then they got in a big fight with Trumpelstiltskin swinging from the bell.  Then he killed the hunchback of Notre Dame by unscrewing his nose.  The next day he went on a televised debate where somebody asked him, "What's your favorite color?"
Trumpelstiltskin said it was versmicktiddy and nobody could say that wasn't it.
Then Trumpelstiltskin walked over and peed on a talking Bush.  When he did that the Bush said, "Trumpelstiltskin, I love you."  And so then they got married but their child was a baby colored person.
So Barak O'Bama was in trouble again.
Trumpelstiltskin got mad at all the Irish people this time and rounded them up and sent them all to France.  Then he and the Bush went to Ireland where Trumpelstiltskin had another baby colored person.  Now Trumpelstiltskin was fit to be tied.  He balled up his fists, his faced turned red and he yelled "Barak O'Bama!"
And Barak O'Bama heard him

to be continued...