Trumpelstiltskin for President

Everybody said, “Trumpelstiltskin will be a great president!” and “Trumpelstiltskin will save us from things!”

Then some other people said, “Wait a minute.  We want somebody else to be President.”

So Trumpelstiltskin  became President of the United States.   Hooray for Trumplestiltskin!

Trumpelstiltskin was always rubbing his hands together now.  The first thing he said was, “Mexican families can stay but I have to eat all their babies.”  President Stiltskin got so excited when he said this that he flew all across the western hemisphere like a giant balloon somebody let go of.  Finally he came down in Mexico where everybody thought he was the pin~ata from God and stuck pitchforks in him and beat him with bats. 

                So Trumpelstiltskin was dead.  When God saw him floating up to Heaven he almost blew a gasket.  “Trumpelstiltskin, why for is you coming here?” he yelled. 

                Trumpelstiltskin thought only of angel food.

to be continued...

Excerpt from my latest novel

Lawful ownership of many Taft houses was a concept  of no greater consequence than the middle name of the man in the moon.  People lived in them until they perished, were pushed out or failed to find their way home again.  Then immediately somebody else entered and controlled the space.  With neither the time nor the inclination to pine for a vacancy, Bubbah Berlioz scouted a block, identified his target and forced out a family of Jewish midgets.  He ensconced his wife there to begin their life together.   

The Last Opus of Hector Berlioz … available on Amazon Kindle or e-mail for signed first edition.  Buy one.

“Tom Levine manages to offend pretty much every segment of society in this hilarious new novel.” –Jim Finnigan

More from Trumpelstiltskin

So Barak O’Bama said, “Saints preserve us, Trumpelstiltskin, I need you to negotiate with those               Irabians before they blow  Ireland off the map.”

                Then Trumpelstiltskin rubbed his hands together.  When Trumpelstiltskin went to Irab, he said, “Here’s the deal.  I eat a baby Irabian every day until some woman Irabian can weave golden hair upon my head. “

                The Irabians said, “And that’s it?”

                Trumpelstiltskin rubbed his hands together again and said, “No.  There’s one more thing.”

                Then Trumpelstiltskin got a phone call and it was  Barak O’Bama.   Barak O’bama said,“How’s it goin’, Rump?”

                Trumpelstiltskin said, “What is wrong with you?”

                Then Barak O’bama went to Paraguay.

                So the Irabians asked Trumpelstiltskin what was the other thing and Trumpelstiltskin told them, “Eat my shorts.”

                Then the Irabians did that and Trumpelstiltskin was a big hero in the United States of America.  So everybody said, Trumpelstiltskin for president.  And then he ran for president.

               

                 

Unbearably Small

In a thinly disguised attempt to learn the number of Florida males with subnormal dicks, the State of Florida has begun issuing bear hunting permits.   Personally I never put any stock in the correlation some people draw between jacked-up cars, hunting, telescopes and this natural distinction.  Until  Field and Stream Magazine started inexplicably appearing in my mailbox monthly.  On perusal I noticed every issue has four solid pages of  dick enlargement ads.   Subsequent research showed this to be a revenue base common to hunting magazines. 

            So,I thought, some men compensate by reading hunting magazines.  I don’t know if they pose with this reading material to appear to have a bigger penis or if it’s the reading that supplies the desired increase.  To further complicate the matter, just reading a hunting magazine does not prove your dick is small.  Perhaps some feel inadequate in spite of their already large lower proboscis and wish to lug around a giant one.

            Of course many men hunt who own a regular dick but probably their inspiration to hunt comes from elsewhere than a magazine.  And mostly they don’t care to shoot a bear because they already own and love a. dog and they know there is precious little difference. 

            It looks like for once the government is onto something.  Their data will have some substance.  What they plan to do with it, who knows?  But if you find yourself about to buy a bear killing permit, you might want to reconsider.  Is that a list you really want to be on?      

and then...

The Hunchback of Notre Dame said the world could be a better place if everyone would be nice.  Trumpelstiltskin said he wondered if there were any baby hunchbacks around to eat.  And so then they got in a big fight with Trumpelstiltskin swinging from the bell.  Then he killed the hunchback of Notre Dame by unscrewing his nose.  The next day he went on a televised debate where somebody asked him, "What's your favorite color?"
Trumpelstiltskin said it was versmicktiddy and nobody could say that wasn't it.
Then Trumpelstiltskin walked over and peed on a talking Bush.  When he did that the Bush said, "Trumpelstiltskin, I love you."  And so then they got married but their child was a baby colored person.
So Barak O'Bama was in trouble again.
Trumpelstiltskin got mad at all the Irish people this time and rounded them up and sent them all to France.  Then he and the Bush went to Ireland where Trumpelstiltskin had another baby colored person.  Now Trumpelstiltskin was fit to be tied.  He balled up his fists, his faced turned red and he yelled "Barak O'Bama!"
And Barak O'Bama heard him

to be continued...