AT&T

Well, I just survived the crucible of trying to get my disconnected phone and internet dealt with by AT&T. They sure don't make it easy but they do give bonuses while you wait to speak to a "customer service professional." Now I always did think driving on the phone could make you crash but I had no idea that people talking on their cell phone are "23 times as likely to be involved in some sort of a safety critical event." Better known, no doubt, as an SCE. I haven't heard that kind of word-smithing since Congolisa Rice hit the road.

It's re-election time again

It's re-election time again, re-election since it's mostly just signing up the incumbents for another ride. A lot can be gleaned from the words the hopefuls use. Howdy Doody (Bill McCollum) refers not to “the other candidate” but to his “opponent,” clearly demonstrating that he sees this as a fight for a job, a fight the taxpayers of course, in our irrelevancy, never can win. We are the prize.

Driving through Macon, Georgia

Driving through Macon, Georgia. Saw The Ramsbottom Company. Big letters on the side of their brick building. What are these people thinking? There's just no way too read that in a favorable light. Unless- that's what they're selling - ramsbottom. I don't know.

Listener Reward

WMMO-fm keeps playing my three favorite popular songs with sufficient frequency to keep me risking, occasionally, the inane prattle of the broadcasting employees. Here's my latest WMMO perversity update: You worker ants out there, you toilers and laborers, you latter day slaves to whom this radio station is directed used to have workdays, usually Monday through Friday. WMMO has rescued you from this. You now have "WMMO workdays" but only I suppose, if you are one of their “listeners.” Clearly this radio station would take you by the hand, or some other appendage, and lead you through life, denying you now even the autonomy of your own workday. Probably some day soon you will be able to hold a radio up to your butt and WMMO will wipe it with some special “quality time” words from the d.j. Or maybe Shawn What'shisname's tongue will actually emerge from the speaker to perform this “listener reward.” I can't wait.

In the meantime I'm starting a contest for best acronym – what insidious evil do the call letters stand for? If we figure it out, the spell will be broken and all WMMO “listeners” released from their audio bondage. Vive la revolucion!

The Fart Man Still Cometh

Those who have read and appreciated The Fart Man Cometh from my fabulous collection of relatively true stories, BITE ME! may appreciate knowing that the Fartman is still making the most of his God (or somebody else) given talent. In fact, he seems only getting better (or worse). Today's adventure may have been his most glorious ever, recognition being key to the glory, anonymity key to enjoying it.

He visited CVS and though he probably already has been forgotten, his effect will not be. He walked around the entire store seeking a few different items. In his own words, “It was silently flowing out of me like the Gulf oil spill. It was like the difference between a cracked door and one flung open.”

Everything he had eaten for the last two days was still in him, lots of bar-b-qued spare ribs and yoghurt included, festering into a fetid mixture only the peculiar chemistry of his body could produce. From experience I stay away at such times. When he got to the cash registers a horrified clerk was ranting about “a hideous odor. It's all over the store.” Another employee confirmed that he, also had smelled it and one of the customers commented as well. In self defense employees walked around the store spraying deodorizer, puny effort that it would have been. Fartman stood in line grinning broadly, conversing with someone who thought he must just be having a very pleasant day. Indeed he was.