Marcus Welby, on hearing his show had been cancelled

"I caught a telephone looking out the window.  It was gazing steadily at a telephone pole.  I wondered if it sensed a connection, like a football looking at a pig." 

-  from Bass Fishing in Outer Space

                                                               

a third party called the antidote?

There is little joy in choosing between getting  poisoned and being contaminated and this describes our present two- party system of oppression. Democrats must be invited in, elected as it were, to make us sick, while it feels like just touching a Republican would do it.

inject some new blood

check out burningtreemagazine.com

How odd it seems, that half of Americans prefer their representatives God fearing, when the government as an entity clearly is not, unless it pays homage to God by wreaking havoc among His humblest children. Perhaps this is the Biblical basis for decrying domestic abortion while applauding its export in war.

Relativity

Phones are smart only compared to the people fingering them, as could be said of turds.

More previews of the First 2016 Presidential Debate

MODERATOR: Let's move onto domestic policies. Mrs Clinton, you appear to be happy with the Affordable Health Care Act. Some opponents claim that this kind of health care hurts the economy. If elected president will you make any changes to health care as it stands today?

CLINTON: As you know I 've spent a lot of time working on healthcare, making a difference. I've stood shoulder...

TRUMPLESTILTSKIN: Healthcare Smellthcare. You want to make a difference in healthcare? Let people die. What's wrong with dying? Christ knows I love the poorly educated so let them go first and show us the way. The doctors 'll hate it because they make a living off dying. They can't do anything with dead.

Clinton: We are the only developed nation in the world without universal healthcare. I've stood beside...

Trumpelstiltskin: Shut up Chuckles. Did you ever think maybe it's time they caught up with us? Where would Americans rather live? Freezing your fat tukus off in Norway with healthcare or here? That's what I thought. It's a done deal.

MODERATOR: Should we assume you'd like to return to the days before Obamacare?”

TRUMPELSTILTSKIN with a thoughtful grimace: Does Hilary shit standing up? Plus we get rid of the AMA and stop requiring doctors to be licensed. Let the poorly educated be doctors. I love them. There are many talented people who can set up neighborhood clinics.  You've got your witches, your psychics, your vegans... Buyer beware. People will  look at results and figure it out quick enough. There'll be a level of care for every pocketbook.   Or maybe they'll take better care of themselves so they don't have to be “going to the doctor” all the time. Before you know it, we'll have dirt cheap healthcare in this country. And without the bureaucracy.

MODERATOR: Alright, let's move on now to gun control. Gun advocates claim that restrictions on gun purchasing would only restrict law abiding citizens, that criminals and fanatics would get them anyway. How do you answer that argument?

CLINTON: I realize I'm not the greatest orator but if Trumpelstiltskin will quit interrupting me, I'd like to say it has to start somewhere. Recently I stood with a woman who had lost her entire family to gun violence. She told me...

TRUMPELSTILTSKIN: Was her name Earp? Look, there's nothing new about this. In 1776 if the populace hadn't been armed, we'd have lost the United States to musket violence. And trust me, if there weren't guns, Mexicans would have figured out how to whack her family. Hack 'em up, drown 'em, club 'em like seals. There's always a way.

Trumpelstiltskin on The Road to the White House

Previews of First Presidential Debate 2016

MODERATOR: Trumpelstiltskin – You have laid out no foreign policy. What do you say to voters who want details?

TRUMPELSTILTSKIN: First I have to lay out Hilary. BANG!! ZOOM!! You know what I mean? (laughter from the audience)

MODERATOR: Mrs. Clinton, what do you say to that?

CLINTON: Well, this isn't New York City and we're not The Honeymooners. We'd all still like to hear what foreign policies Trumpelstiltskin plans to implement.

TRUMPELSTILTSKIN: I made a bet with Vlad that if I win this thing, Hilary has to give me head or hand over her first born. Sorry Bill. At this point I'm getting a little nervous. She'll have to take out her false teeth.

CLINTON: (frustrated): What does that have to do with foreign policy!?! What about the Middle East?

TRUMPLESTILTSKIN: Okay. If I win you have to give head to ISIS. With your teeth in.

MODERATOR: What if Mrs. Clinton refuses?

TRUMPLESTILTSKIN: She can leave them out if she wants to. But she'll do it if I tell her to. Or maybe I should just shlong her. Or I could let her win so that I can shlong the president of the United States. Or I could go ahead and win and shlong her on top of my Mexican wall. Now that's some foreign policy.

(Audience cheering wildly)

a little miscommunication

I was just listening to Hilary Clinton gloating abut winning the popularity contest in Florida.  What most impressed me was when she spoke of a woman whose children got shot, because it was a clear demonstration of how stupidly politicians speak to us.  She didn't actually say they got shot.  Nope.  According to the wordsmith, she "lost them to gun violence."  Just think about that.  What the hell does it even mean?  What is gun violence? And now that gun violence has her kids, what's it going to do with them?  If she must use these people's great misfortune to make campaign points, why can't she just say they got shot?  By somebody?  Nope.  Apparently it was one of them damn violent guns they got lost to.

Anyway if you listen closely it happens all the time.   We're spoken to like we're stupid. I don't think Hilary said to Bill, "That was sure sad about that woman losing her children to gun violence."  So maybe we are stupid and that's what we deserve.  We're sitting there watching tv aren't we?  We're paying attention to their little game like we really have a stake in it, aren't we?  Just getting stoopider all the time...

Okay I suppose this is code for "I'm in favor of gun control."  So her erudite supporters used to communicating in riddles get that while all the gun toters don't detect anything wrong with it.  Winking at the gun controllers, faking out the toters.  When it gets to this point it's pretty clear they're just wasting our stupid time.

the Next GOP debate

"Trumpelstiltskin, you peed in your pants."

"Marco Rubio, is that all you can say?"

"Trumpelstiltskin, you peed in your pants."

Ben Carson says, “Will somebody please pee on me?”

John Kasich says, “What in the living hell is going on here? Has everybody gone bonkers?”

The moderator says, “Don't pay any attention to him. He's mayor of Ohio or something.”

“Trumpelstiltskin, look at my doody,” Rubio says, reaching into his pants.

But Trumpelstiltskin has already thrown his and it's zooming toward Rubio's face. Rubio ducks in time for it to fly by and hit Kasich in the mouth just as he's about to say something else irrelevant.”

“Oh sure, hit Kasich,” Carson says. “What about me?”

“And now,” says the moderator, “for the next question.”

So then Trumpelstiltskin eats all the Republican things and craps them out altogether in a giant pile of conservatism. “Trumpelstiltskin for president,” he says and leaves the stage.