Watch any ball game on television and you'll get the message loud and clear. The commercial interests want you to be caffeinated during the week, full of beer on the weekend and stupid all the time. And they start early. They know kids watch televised sports and they want them to learn from the ads that fun and Budweiser are inseparable. Hard alcohol doesn’t need to advertise. Beer is their gateway drug. Once you become Joe Sixpack, the rest is easy.
Hey Dad – why do you always drink beer when you're watching football?
Beer makes it fun.
Well, why don't you and your friends just go outside and play football yourselves? Wouldn't that be more fun?
Because you can't drink beer and play football.
But if you were playing, you wouldn't want to drink beer because playing would be the fun of it.
Look son, Americans drink beer when we're not working. That's what we do. It helps the economy. You know how many people would lose their jobs if Budweiser went out of business?
Little Billy thought for a moment. I know! I know!
You could buy the beer so Budweiser stays in business, then pour it out and go outside and play football with your friends.
Listen Billy. I don't want to hear that kind of crazy talk from you. People'll think you're goofy. I can't afford to buy beer just to pour it out. If I buy the stuff, I'm damn well going to drink it.
But it doesn't cost any more if you don't drink it.
But I don't want to not drink it.
But if you didn't drink it, you could go out and play.
Listen. Suppose I'm out playing football with my friends instead of watching the Super Bowl. And, incidentally, I'd have to get some new friends because nobody I know would do that. Anyway I go to work the next day and everybody's talking about the game. Somebody says, Hey Roger. Did you see that amazing game winning pass? Then I say, nope. I was outside playing football with my friends. But you should have seen this catch I made. You see what I mean? I've got nothing to talk about. Then everybody looks at me funny and just walks away and they don't trust me anymore.
So if everybody stopped drinking beer and went outside and played, you could do it too.
Sure. But everybody's not going to do that son. It would be, well, un-American.
But then you can't go outside and have fun. Little Billy's heart breaks for his father. He starts crying. I hate beer!
Now don't say that, son. Beer isn't bad. Look! See that commercial? A beer waterfall. Doesn't that look like fun?
The boy's eyes widen. Wow! It sure does. Can I have some beer, Dad?
No son. You have to wait until you're old enough.
But I can't wait.
Dad pulls his eight-year old son onto the couch next to him and puts his arm around his shoulders. You're going to have to.