Monday, January 10, 2011

Letters from the Politically Correct

Acme Athletic Gear
Ronconcomo, New York
Public Relations

To whom it may concern:

How can you, in good conscience, continue selling knee guards in this enlightened time? It is the most knee-guardly thing I've ever heard of.

Christopher Robin

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Dear Mr. Robin:

We are presently looking at a plan for restructuring the company. Your letter has inspired us to redouble our efforts. Thank you for your interest.

In your debt,
Joe Acme

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Politically Incorrect
Bill Maher

Dear Mr. Maher!

I'm a frickin' American and I'm as white as Jesus' ass. This whole country's made up of frickin' Americans. Why is it only the black race is referred to on your show as a frickin' American? It happens over and over again. What makes all your guests so damn afraid to call someone else a frickin' American? The name of your show should be Demographically Incorrect.

A frickin' American, God dammit

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Dear Honky:

It's African American. And what you don't get, is there's a fine line between being hailed as politically incorrect and being perceived as ignorant. An ignorant person cannot be politically incorrect. He's just ignorant, like you, and that's not what my show is all about. It's about informed people having the courage to sound ignorant. Once my guests have used the current terminology to isolate the darker races, they can say whatever they want, short of queer bashing.

The Star

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Virginia Clarion
letters to the editor

Dear editor:

I'd just like to know what's wrong with being niggardly anyway. My father was a Niggard, his father before him, and right on down the line, all Niggards and proud of it. What the Hell'd we fight the Civil War for?

Fightin' mad,
Niggard Lee VI

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Crisp-Coon Funeral Home, Lake Alfred, Florida
Mr. Crisp/ Mr. Coon

Dear Whoever:

I can no longer contain the revulsion I feel driving by your sign on my way to work at Cypress Gardens. In our prevailing moral climate, it's a wonder your establishment has not been put out of business or forced to a name change. I'd like to help: The more appropriate Crisp-Coot comes immediately to mind. Crisp-Loon doesn't offend anybody who would care. Crisp-Moon doesn't say much, but that's the idea. Crisp-Toon has a happy sound. I hope you choose one of these immediately and erase this highly visible blemish upon our town.

Wannaweewee Buttcant

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Dear lady:

Believe me, we've tried. Here is our list: Crisp-Colored Person - sounds somehow archaic. Crisp-Darkey - seems a bit overstated, or overdone, if you like. Jungle bunny on a spit - too crude. Nobody likes to think about spit.

Crisp-Negro - too stuffy. Crisp-Nigger - rhymes with trigger - we don't want to be promoting guns; it looks too self serving. Crisp- Spook sounds too afterlife. You can see the problem we've had.

Thank you for your suggestions. We never thought of those and should make a decision soon.

Yours truly,
The Head Figger

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Ted Koppel
ABC News

Dear Mr. Koppel:

When did they start callin 'em niggards? I gotta say I like the direction things is goin. I quit keepin up when they got to Afro-American. Where's the fun in that?

"Hey! Afro-American! Get over here and wash my hub caps."

That just don't work for me. But I can sure live with niggard. Finally got somethin to make me glad I lived this long. Shoulda knowed they'd run outta names sooner or later and come back round to the start.

I didn't know you had it in you, boy. We're havin a membership drive shortly, hopin to see you.

John Baumgartner
Imperial Wizard, Orlando, Florida

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Dear John:

Please stop watching Nightline.

Best wishes,

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